Archive | Astro Matters

More Lightbulb Jokes

If the last decade has taught me anything, it’s that I can do everything myself. If the last month has taught me anything, it’s that this isn’t always the best approach.

Like most bad jokes, it all comes down to a lightbulb. I boast about my apartment’s high tin ceilings, but they make it difficult to change the bulbs in my overhead lights. For years I lured tall, handy men into doing my dirty work, all puns intended. Then I had Mr. Oyster, and for a brief moment thought I’d solved all my problems. In the long shadow of that relationship, I started hiring Taskrabbits, but even the few noncreeps asked me out while still in my apartment. Men really do love damsels in distress, or at least preying on them. Continue Reading →

Unicorn Venus

Yesterday I had a nightmare that I was forced to consume one of those Starbuck unicorn drinky thingies, as my youngest goddaughter calls them. I woke feeling sick, and not just because the combination of neon food coloring, glitter dust, cream, white sugar, and mango and mocha syrups would put me in all kinds of hospitals. That wrongheaded beverage represents everything toxic and fake in our dystopia right now—especially in our reality TV White house.

Officially, Venus retrograde is over but we’re in its shadow until May 18, which means we’re still wearing Venus Retrograde goggles. Our aesthetics are off, diplomacy is impaired, love connections are misfiring, and bank balances are at an all-time low. It doesn’t help that, with Mercury retrograding in bratty Aries, checks are getting lost in the mail and airlines are throwing cosmic temper tantrums.  We even have a Retrograde President—a unicorn drinky thingie president*, if you want to get technical about it. Continue Reading →

Astro PSA: Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Mercury Retrograde begins Sunday, to be layered over the Venus Retrograde (that just won’t go away). I always say retrogrades are an opportunity for reflection, not a punishment, but this is a whole lot of stasis at once, especially as the retrogrades take place partly in Aries, which absolutely hates idling at the gate. The good news is that this too shall pass–Venus goes direct April 15 and Mercury goes direct May 3–but expect drama, drama, drama in the interim. On a practical level, back up your electronics and purchase travel insurance for any trips planned during this period. God knows this is one time when I am practicing what I preach.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy