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The Hardest Day to Give Thanks

I’ve never liked Thanksgiving. I’ve never liked a day of feasting to celebrate colonization and genocide. I’ve never liked all those carbs, especially since I quit sugar. I’ve never liked forced gratitude–pious and phony all at once. I’ve never liked football. Nothing underscores we’re in the last days of Rome like steroidal gladiators. And I’ve never liked a day that emphasizes family and togetherness because I’ve been a lone wolf my whole life, and whenever I’ve tried to rectify that it’s blown back in my face.

In bloodlines, you’re supposed to support people no matter what, but in my experience this means you have to put up with whatever shit is thrown your way. Whatever eviscerating thing is said, whatever basic human decency is dropped, whatever punch is thrown, “you’re family.” To me that’s not a life sentence. That’s a death sentence.

Pass. Hard pass.

Oh, don’t get me wrong. I have friendships–lovely, strong ones. It’s me who pulls away from time to time, usually because I like our species a lot less than I love it. I have a hard time with hypocrisy, vanity, selfishness, dissociation, and that’s the name of the game when it comes to human foibles, including my own.

But over the years I have found some people who try hard to be compassionate and kind, who self-reckon more than they self-obfuscate. People with whom I can both laugh and cry; people who cheer me on as I cheer them on. People with whom a huge gap doesn’t loom between what I am thinking and what I can say. People who don’t require me to turn off my psychic radar in order to be with them. These are the people I keep in my life, even when we disappoint each other. And believe me, sometimes we do.

I’m a big believer in giving people wide berths when necessary. I never stop loving anyone– real love is unconditional and eternal–but sometimes it’s better or simply necessary to love someone from a distance. I don’t expect my friends to be there for me no matter what, and I don’t offer such steadfastness in return. Each of us has our own challenges, weaknesses, extenuating circumstances that can render us unavailable, even to ourselves. We’re there most of the time, and that’s enough.

Which is all to say that the holidays can be rough for everyone, and this includes me. All that clannishness married with cultural malaise married with rich food married with dashed hopes and expectations–oy vey.

I’ve been impregnated on this holiday by a man with whom I could never have a baby. I’ve broken up with people on this holiday and I’ve been dumped. I’ve eaten alone at bars. I’ve wept by myself in movie theaters. I’ve been struck, hard. I’ve sat alone in the middle of my brawling and babbling family. I’ve sat alone in the middle of others’ brawling and babbling families. I’ve sat politely at orphan meals, friendsgiving meals, and rolled my eyes at all the ghosts–living and dead–looming behind each attendee. I’ve sat with the dying on this holiday and I’ve been hospitalized on this holiday. Hell, I’ve broken my neck on this holiday.

I hate this fucking holiday.

Am I a grateful person? Actually, I am. I am grateful for the opportunity to be alive and to learn all the lessons available to the living. I am grateful for the sun and the sea and the food on my plate and the shelter over my head, for my car, and of course my cat. I am grateful for my past and present and future and for the many people who have walked on this path, including you. I am grateful for the enormous generosity that has been shown me again and again, even when I have not deserved it. I am grateful for every instance when someone, human or otherwise, is their best self–for when we try, for when we love.

I am grateful for love most of all.

Don’t worry, if you’re the type to worry, and do judge if you feel the need to judge. But know I am not desperate today though I’ve been singularly unhappy since leaving the Outer Cape. In a few minutes I am leaving for Greater Boston, where I will spend the next 24 hours with one of my dearest friends and her clan. She is an excellent cook who knows where my head’s at, and seems to tolerate me anyway. She calls this a flexible day for me–just coast, she purrs–and has arranged the softest landing possible for when I arrive at her door. For this I am eminently grateful, even as I fear disappointing her.

But I believe in authenticity over niceties and that sometimes, even if you don’t have something nice to say, you still have to say it, if only because it may help someone besides yourself.

And today what I must say is this is the hardest day of my year, every year. What’s more, hating this holiday doesn’t make anyone an ungrateful wretch.

Sending love.

Road to Nowhere

I came back to Brooklyn Tuesday night and it’s been terrible. So terrible, in fact, that even as I type this I feel unsure I’ll ever write anything worth reading again. My life force is as drained as I’d feared it would be when I left the wilds of Truro for the metagrid that is New York City–so drained, in fact, that I can’t spare any energy to dress up this fact.

Most of the drive was fine. Once Grace accepted we really were going to leave the place that felt more like home than our home, she capitulated completely and walked into her carrier herself, barely mewed as we drove through Cape Cod foliage and more and more buildings blocked the horizon. Our mutual silence loomed. Continue Reading →

Amazing Grace

Daily prayer.

As I type this, Grace is sitting on my legs and purring loudly enough that I can not only hear it but feel it. This is momentous because I spent the entire day looking for her while I was supposed to be packing for New York. She disappeared this morning and, because I’d left the front door open while moving things back and forth from my car, I began to fear that she was gone forever. If she had fled into the environs surrounding this Truro house, chances were high that she would be lost or severely injured. All kinds of animals live in these woods–coyotes included—and she’s never spent any time outside since we rescued her on the streets of Brooklyn when she was three weeks old. She was by herself, eating trash and hiding behind a stoop. The size of my palm, she was so little that she normally would not yet have been weaned. I believe that this is why she remains a permakitten. Like me, she was never safe as a child.

At first I assumed my little one had just found a new hiding place. But after after a few hours, I started to get nervous. I turned off all the electronics in the house and sang “Love You Madly,” the Ella and Duke song to which she has come running since she first became my charge eight years go. But she didn’t come. I turned the house upside down and still didn’t find her. And then I started to imagine the upheaval had so upset her that she’d run outside and had gotten lost. Maybe eaten. Continue Reading →

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy