Archive | City Matters

The Russian Dolls We Carry

I broke up with the Legend–or, really, my relationship with the Legend ended–because he ignored me in front of his ex-wife’s current wife and her infant son. If that sounds complicated, it’s actually a lot more complicated, but the bottom line is he clung to the sense of family that his ex and her clan provided him, and played uncle to her son as well as her sister’s kid. I’d always empathized with his desire to do so. But this meant that he in that moment he was ignoring me in front of his people, and the sting was profound. It was hardly the first time he’d thrown me under a bus, but I suddenly saw how little he’d ever rally for me, how little I meant to him, and that only one path extended from that moment on my personal timeline.

And that path was Legend-free.

That’s exactly how I saw it. Even as I blew up in a subsequent text battle with him (he refused to pick up the phone), even as I railed to friends, even as I masturbated with a raging grief, some part of me already was watching dispassionately from a future I now knew existed. A future in which this man I loved had no place.

That’s how I explained the breakup to people as soon as I was sure it would stick. With concern and maybe a little ennui knitting their features, they’d say, “How are you doing?” And I’d say, “I’m in the future now.”

I knew it was true even if I didn’t yet understand what I was saying. Continue Reading →

Time to Swing

Today K and I beat the arctic cold with a screening of Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse and HOLY SHIT IS THAT MOVIE GOOD. Really, the best of 2018 because (aside from Black Panther) it’s the only film fully embracing the medium’s possibilities with joy and righteousness. Spider-Verse is all fourth and fifth dimension multiplicities–intersectionality and concurrent realities aglow in one big colorful valentine to the Brooklyn that never will be gentrified. I feel certain that the message of that film–that we all are superheroes when we live as our bravest kindest truest selves–summons the 2019 America that can and will transcend the white and orange demons currently in charge. Which is to say: Everyone should see this movie, if only to remember who we really are and what art can unlock. Here’s to the fresh start of a new month and Imbolc and Monday’s new moon in Aquarius and magic at the movies! Someday soon, we’re all going to thaw.

Dowager Chic, Dowager Not Shocked

The trains were so crazy last night. A woman carrying many bags and very wild energy–she might have been homeless, she might have been a very wealthy eccentric–entered my subway car, slapped me in the face, then burst into tears. I need help! Help! she cried. Someone else needs to step in here, I said. Then I opened my book. I have lived in NYC for 25 years. it is starting to show.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy