Archive | Age Matters

I Wish You Enough

Something occurred to me today as I strode home from the greenmarket with my produce and a bunch of glorious sunflowers that the vendor had slipped into my bag as a surprise.

“This might be enough.”

To be sure, “enough” is a relative term. As I write this, I still don’t have enough in my accounts to cover my expenses a few months out nor do I have a steady income flow. In this way, I am in step with many many Americans, as well as people across the world.

My therapist says that I have a tendency to focus on the bright side of matters in a way that borders on dissociative, a fact that may surprise those who read my last post.

Trust me when I say it takes a lot for me to acknowledge when things aren’t working well. In fact, it’s a muscle I’m developing in real time. I used to fear disappearing into the abyss if I recognized its existence. But I’ve come to accept we can only solve a problem when we can acknowledge it.

That said, having transcended so many hard times in my life has granted me an insouciance I never experienced as a younger woman. Yes, I am still broke as I write this, but over the last few days so many have shared sweet solidarity and unexpected donations that, for this week at least, I have fresh, healthy food to eat and, for this month at least, Grace and I have a place to live in a city I love. Continue Reading →

The Ultimate Fool’s Errand

Only once has someone broken up with me in a way that I immediately and completely accepted. Really, this was quite an achievement, because historically I date people off and on forever unless they reveal themselves to be complete sociopaths or get married. (Although my aversion to marriage is well-documented, I am not in the business of making third parties miserable.)

But though this beau was neither married nor a complete sociopath, his breakup line was so effective that we never spoke again once he uttered it. In a low, caressing voice he said: “It seems this is not what we had hoped.”

In point of fact, he was absolutely right. We’d been dating for four months, which is exactly how long it takes for sexual chemistry to wear off when there’s no other glue in place. I won’t bog you down with the details (he did too much coke and considered me too much of a prude) but as I write this I can assure you that, 20 years later, the only real memory I have of that relationship are those nine magic words. Continue Reading →

What Stands Between Us

In the days following the death of my dear friend Adam, many people have said something to the effect of: “You of all people know he’s still in your life.”

I understand such comments come as a bid of faith in my skills as an intuitive, but I’m nonetheless surprised. Because even for me, contact with the embodied—aka conscious, living people— is very different from contact with the “disembodied.” Yes, as a life-long empath, I often receive “downloads”— flashes of emotions or information from departed ancestors, energetic guides, sometimes even the souls of people caught between life and death. But I would never pretend I understand everything about this other realm, and I don’t trust those who claim they do.

We living, breathing people are limited to the third dimension not only in terms of physical limitations but in terms of our capacity to fully comprehend energy and matter. Thus when a loved one dies, our faith that we are supported by something we can’t intellectually grasp is sorely tested. We wonder if our departed person is safe or scared. We worry they might not know what we were unable to tell them. And we fear we’ll never connect with them again.

The truth: These concerns are for us still on this plane, not for those who have moved on to a realm we cannot yet understand. In my work as an intuitive, I often can help others find peace and meaning in these losses, and I am glad to do so. But while moving forward my recently deceased friend may message me through dreams and small coincidences, this will be so very different from the easy luxury of a quick text exchange, a shared joke or meal, and, ah me, a warm hug. We who are embodied crave the creature comfort of other bodies, and must embrace the companions of our heart who share our plane. Which is to say: Regardless of my intuitive abilities, I will deeply miss my friend, and that’s okay.

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"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy