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Nothing Nice to Say but I’m Saying It Anyway

I woke up, fed my beautiful cat, made coffee, and hightailed it to the river. Where I sat at her banks and wept and wept.

And wept.

I suppose this is why I’ve not been posting more personal essays. So much of what I’m feeling is abject grief, and who needs more of that? Except: Are we really allowing ourselves to experience said grief? Or are we ranting then checking out then ranting some more? It’s hard to grieve, really grieve, for a quality of life—a standard of decency—that we took for granted only nine months ago. Because to do so makes this present more real, and who wants that?

It reminds me of the prayer I started uttering as a child when I realized I had no allies.

Dear God please don’t let me stop feeling. Continue Reading →

Grasshoppers in the Refracted Green Light

Does anyone remember a 1983 film called Independence Day? It costars an impossibly lanky and fresh-faced Diane Wiest as an abused wife in a dinky New Mexican town, and I’ve been trying to find it online for days. Scenes from it have been surfacing in my mind’s eye like a half-buried trauma, and I keep thinking if I could rewatch the whole film maybe I’d better understand why. All I remember is that I saw it when divorce had just been finalized for C, my mother’s best friend–a tall brassy woman with big plastic glasses and an unflattering short permanent. In an effort to cheer her up, my mom had taken her, her daughter K, and me out for a night on the town–first sundaes and lime rickeys at Brigham’s, then the West Newton Cinema for this very aptly named film. Only the plot grew darker and darker until its ending, resulted–I think?–in murder and suicide. The credits rolled, and K and I sat shocked, my mother gnawed at her thumb, and C, who usually radiated this aggressive, weirdly hostile cheer, remained motionless in her seat, huge tears shining in the refracted light of the screen.

Boy o boy do I wish I could see that movie again, because something in that moment sealed my pubescent self’s determination to never become a wife; no never, thank you very much. I was 12, so it took another 30 years for people to believe me, maybe five more for me to believe myself. But why am I remembering that moment now, o why? There’s something about grasshopper cocktails and burning houses that just keeps flashing fast. I think I’m digging into this mostly to better understand the 12-year-old girl who saw it, but if you have any memory of the film itself I’d be grateful. Even the online reviews are scant.

Astro PSA: Full Moon in Aries

There’s a full moon in Aries today, and this lady means business. For the last three weeks, Mars has been retrograding in this action-oriented sign and the result has been lots of huffing and puffing with very few results. Cue Tuesday’s debates, though I’m guessing you have examples galore in your own life. So today’s full moon, which peaks at 5:05pm EST, means we’ll finally get to kick ass and take names. So let’s help her help us. List the external obstacles holding you back in your work and sex life. (Notice I said sex, not love, dear ones.) Under the night sky, ask Lady Luna to intervene on your behalf. Be specific, and don’t forget to say please and thank you. (It is Libra Season, after all.) Then let tonight’s dreams show you what to do next. May we each find our purest fire.

For an intuitive reading or dream medicine session, book here.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy