Nasty Woman Home Network

nasty womanThis morning I set up a new wireless network for Gracie Rosmansion. My Internet had been acting funky and after protracted wrangling with Time Warner Spectrum Whatever, it became apparent my router had punked out for good. Setting up a new one is the easiest thing in the world, but I confess I still felt a nutty sense of accomplishment. It wasn’t until middle age that I became a woman who did home repair and solved her own tech problems. Before then, I am sorry to say I developed a mysterious case of the vapors whenever it came to anything codified as male (aka boyfriend material). Even now, these endeavors scare me. What if I fuck up? What if I get stuck mid-task? Then it hits me that the difference between how most men and women were raised has little to do with mechanical training and everything to do with learned helplessness. It’s not in the guy code to roll over and play dead. For better or worse, anyone walking this world as male (trans or cis) is expected never to take no for an answer. While this basically explains date rape and stalking culture, it also is how problems are solved. Which is to say: you keep gnashing your teeth until you figure it out. Since this lightbulb first popped over my head (of course as I was fixing a complicated light fixture in my high ceiling), I’ve gotten much savvier about sorting things out in my home. Once in a while, I hit a wall I can’t topple–installing air conditioners proves too much for my bad back–but asking for help, a skill only gendered females are usually taught, is honorable when other options do not exist. God knows it’s still how I find most of my suitors. (Note to self: work on this next.) Postscript: After I posted this, the lightbulb in every ceiling light fixture in my house blew out, and a favorite lamp stopped working. The universe hates it when we boast.

A Reading List for Trump (No Cliffs Notes)

feminism is for everyoneAs we head into the final stretch of the 2016 presidential election, there may be only one point on which all Americans agree: This country has never experienced anything like it. What would have been the headline in any other year – that a woman is running for Commander in Chief for the first time in U.S. history – has been largely eclipsed by the antics of Donald J. Trump, the Republican candidate who, in the second debate of presidential nominees, literally (or at least physically) eclipsed his opponent.

The lewd, crude behavior of Mr. Trump has raised the hackles of people on both sides of the aisle, and the most recent polls suggest he is falling further behind Secretary of State Clinton. Here at Signature we believe that when the going gets tough, the tough get reading. Some, of course, might protest that the Donald does not actually read, but the fact that he takes issues with bad press suggests the contrary. To that end, we have compiled a handy reading list for his edification – or our amusement. Tomato, tomawto, as the song goes.

The United States Constitution
Basics first, eh? Because Trump has never held political office, and because he seems to have a very poor grasp of both the processes of government and the actual implication of various amendments, a pocket-sized copy might prove the handiest accessory since his distinctive campaign hat. Continue Reading →

The Cat Lady Is Present

beleaguered kittyI’m on Day 3 of Marina Abramović immersion for a piece I’m writing about her new memoir, Walk Through Walls. She is a thorny, intriguing subject, and I feel both stuck and manic as I write and write and delete and delete. To ground out the fever the Artist has conjured in me –the Liser-sized warp in the time-space continuum– I keep scooping up poor Grace, who is cowering in her special rocking chair. While she protests with her newly acquired “Noooooo” meow, I say: “THE PERMAKITTEN IS PRESENT.” There is only one amused member of my household today.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy