Archive | Essays

Beginning of End Times

“The Night Was Quite Dark,” Helen Sewell

It’s 740pm and I’m calling it. The electricity went out in the early hours of this morning after the big storm, and it never got fixed so my apartment is unheated unlit un-networked. A part of me–the part that obsessively reread Little House in the Big Woods (and not just as a child)–appreciates the challenge of being stripped of power. Of laying blankets over everything and setting up candles and heating water over my stove, which still works with a match. But as night has fallen, an unaccustomed darkness has blanketed my neighborhood and it is eerily silent. The outage stems from a manhole fire four blocks over and so my entire region of East Williamsburg is un-juiced. It’s like the 2003 blackout or the 2012 hurricane–only for my tiny little corner of Brooklyn. There’s no coffee shop noise, no infuriating neighbor music or loud Zoom calls hurtling through the walls. No blather on the street. No streetlights. Not even any running cars since they’ve blocked off the streets (and there are no traffic lights). There’s just the drills of Con Ed guys outside my window, grinding grinding like gritted teeth.

I know these guys are trying their best–have been since before dawn–and that so far they simply can’t locate the electrical short to fix. I know because I brought them mugs of my Laura Ingalls Wilder coffee earlier and peppered them with questions. So it’s like camping—only in a subfreezing night in which Covid keeps us from cowering together.

“Woman in the Dark,” Anonymous


I keep thinking about what this corner of land was like 10 years ago, 100 years ago, 1000 years ago. I keep thinking about that last chapter of Cloud Atlas, when the grid and governments crashed and everyone in the future was living prehistorically and no one had record of prior generations because they had been uploaded to the cloud which disappeared with the electrical grid. And I keep thinking: Is this how dystopias really happen? Step by step, so that we adjust so incrementally to the degeneration that one day it seems perfectly natural that we can’t leave our houses without masks lest we infect each other with a deadly plague that has already killed 500,000 of us, perfectly natural that we’re stumbling around in the unheated unlit un-networked dark, perfectly natural that hot regions are freezing and polar caps are melting, perfectly natural that there’s mass shootings every month, perfectly natural that we have elected officials who casually uphold white patriarchal supremacy and insist Jews use space lasers to fuck up a coastal state and . Don’t answer that. Really, don’t. I know I’m being catastrophic but it’s been that kind of day week (retrograde). The point is: There’s a fur hat on my head, a fur blanket on my bed, a fur permakitten in my arms. And I’m going to bed. Scarlet O’Hara always said I”ll worry about it tomorrow. Tonight I’m taking a page from her book.

Note: My power was out for 48 hours. When it came back on, I posted what I’d written to comfort myself.

Mercury Retrotrades, and Boy Does It Ever

Woof! I spent the last 36 hours in tech hell and framily heaven. First I dropped my Airpods in the bathtub, and managed to recover them only through the magic of a Youtube tutorial and my hairdryer. Then my Macbook completely died–and lest this passive voice seem suspicious, trust me when I say a jar of dill pickles sailed out of a cabinet and landed on said Macbook with the might of a thousand dybbuks. With it died 11 months of writing because I hadn’t been properly backing up since Covid began.

Note that I’m not defending my sloppiness; merely reporting it with no small measure of chagrin.

But as frustrating as the breakdown of my devices has been, things could be so much worse. I am beyond lucky to have such lovely, generous, patient friends willing to share their amazing range of skills and savvy and resources with me, and I am grateful for this reminder. Not to mention: This kerfuffle comes right on time because Mercury retrograde begins tomorrow, enforcing the break we all need from our 11-month reliance on tech since it is taking place in Aquarius, which rules technology and networking.

Retrogrades tend to be most disruptive at their beginnings and ends, so over the next two days and from February 19-21, all things transportation and telecommunication may get especially fritzy. The good news? This forced reboot will also reboot our overtaxed, completely traumatized central nervous systems.

So why not lean in? Yes: it’s extremely annoying that our phones, tablets, computers, wifi and cable connections, and social media will likely go on the fritz over the next three weeks. But during this time, give yourself permission to unplug as much as you want. “Just say no” to Zoom. Sketch. Make music. Go for walks. And nap whenever you wish.

When we let them, Mercury Retrogrades enable us to more deeply connect with ourselves and each other. As my man Obi-Wan is wont to say: Trust the Force, Luke.

Space Crone Solar Return (I Am 50)

Today is my 50th birthday and, oh, I had big plans for this day. I had planned to have sold my book, fixed my bad back, and bought a shack in the mermaid woods.

I’ve always carried out my plans, having learned super-early to transform shit into gold. But with respect to Elizabeth Warren, 2020 showed us we make plans, God laughs—and sometimes shit is just shit.

You’re thinking: No shit, Sherlock! But recent financial and physical hardships have taught me I was treating the Universe, Allah, HaShem, the Force, the Flow, the Morphic Field of Resonance, the Divine Feminine—whatever you call God—as Santa Claus. That my faith was contingent on the granting of my wishes—an un-evolved if common approach to spirituality.

The bigger truth is sometimes there’s no payoff to our shit except for the enormous payoff of accepting what is, rather than what we want. And the only agency we really possess is the choice of whether to embrace the divine mystery in its fullest, starkest form. Only then can we open the door to true magic, which is this beautiful thing called life.

So as I reach this milestone age, I admit I am knee-deep in disappointment and regret. But registering this shit allows me to also register the beauty I don’t need to dress up at all. My beautiful permakitten and city and solitude. The beautiful many who have reached out with gelt, gifts, and good advice, company, and wishes—not just today but over the last 50 years. In this morning’s meditation I flashed on my Grandma Alice—a green witch who died a day before my 18th birthday and has protected me ever since. Just then, a green painting flew off my wall.

The point? We each live in a network of care and practical magic even when we can’t sense it, and it supports us even when it can’t stop bad things from happening. So as I transition from puella to space crone—from starry-eyed young woman to middle-aged broad living in the stars–let me say the Stones were right. We don’t always get what we want. But we get what we need. I’m so lucky I get you.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy