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The Cheeseball Stands Alone

February 2, 2016 in Country Matters, Feminist Matters

Twice today I cracked myself up while everyone around me remained stony-faced. First, after agreeing to review “99 Homes,” I bellowed “AND A BITCH AIN’T ONE. ” (Crickets.) Then, while discussing a financial issue, I bellowed, “MO MONEY, MO PROBLEMS.” (More crickets.) Perhaps the latter statement seemed too pathetically fantastical to be funny, given that I am notoriously un-moneyed. Perhaps a blond middle-aged lady barking rap lyrics was simply too problematic to be funny in any context. Either way, it is a good thing I am very confident that I am an absolutely highlarious human being or else I’d be developing a complex right about now.

I’m kind of joking (again) but it’s true that even when people don’t find me funny–which, quixotically, happens all the time— I tend to amuse myself. This may be an essential quality if you’re going to live alone, an argument for why ladies like me are best left to our own devices, or a genuinely radical act. I’m wondering if it’s all three. After all, given that most women are taught to titter at guys’ witticisms rather than attempt any of their own–given that most women are trained not to take up space, period–it’s an enormous transgression to say, “Fuck it, man. I’m just going to bust out these jokes regardless of whether you laugh.” And on that note, if none else, I am serious as a heart attack.

The Arithmetic of Snow

January 23, 2016 in Astro Matters, Cat Lady Matters, City Matters, Essays, Feminist Matters, Ruby Intuition, Weather Matters

Here on the East Coast we are in the midst of a good old-fashioned blizzard. I’m not sure if that’s the official word but the snow has been coming down for 15 hours; the sidewalk, stoops and street outside my apartment are covered in two feet of snow; and everything and everybody has been cancelled. That’s a blizzard even to this Masshole. (I’ve lived in Brooklyn for 23 years but once a Masshole, always a Masshole.)

I’m been the queen of preparation this round. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned about living alone, it’s that gender coding is an ill-advised luxury; when you have to cook, shovel, clean, and fix everything from hems to technology to radiators yourself, it’s a bad call to get the vapors or cry caveman. Bundled in a wearable sleeping bag, face mask, and two scarves, it’s impossible to tell whether someone is a man, woman, non-binary gender person, or a “Revenant” bear, anyway.

So yesterday after reading distressing weather reports, I headed over to Red Hook Fairway, where I bought enough food to stock my refrigerator and freezer for two weeks (which is how long it’ll probably be before I’m able to safely drive Minerva again). I bought wonderful things: thick pork chops, lamb, dried apricots, pistachios and pecans, crushed tomatoes, ricotta, extra virgin olive oil, thick Greek yogurt, a roasted chicken, challah bread, a jug of organic cream, rosemary, mint, kale, and copperhead salmon. My enthusiasm was only mildly hampered by the fact that, even at 9 am, the store was clotted by Park Slopers who didn’t feel it appropriate to reign in their free-spirited children as the rest of us tripped over them. Continue Reading →

New Year Rules of Order

January 1, 2016 in Etiquette Matters, Feminist Matters, Listing, Ruby Intuition, Spirit Matters

I never get too worked up about New Years since it’s just a reboot of the totally arbitrary Christian calendar. (Even Christ was reportedly born in the spring.) But just because I don’t believe in the New Year doesn’t mean it doesn’t believe in us. So herein lies my 13 rules of order for a new year. 2019 update: Please note that I tailor these mandates every year, 13 is a very lucky number for we witches, and everything comes down to honoring the social contract….

1. If you think of something that needs to be done, do it. This is especially true if you can do it in the time you’re thinking of it. That said…

2. Lists are great. If you have a bevy of things to do, externalizing them can restore order in your monkey brain. And anything is easier when broken out into steps. I recommend using ruled notepads. To this day, few things satisfy like crossing items out on an actual sheet of paper. That said…

3. Be impeccable by your word. I got this rule from some New-Agey thing I read years ago, but it’s very true. Don’t say something unless you mean it; don’t make plans you can’t keep; don’t write checks you can’t cash; don’t arrive later than you said you would; do everything you say you’re going to do. Usually people fail at this because they don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or they’re hedging their bets. Put bluntly, that’s selfish, even if it doesn’t seem that way. That said…

4. Accept your limitations. When you expect more of yourself than you can accomplish, it’s stressful for you and everyone who comes into contact with you. What’s more, you help no one when you don’t ask for help you need, and all work and no play makes everybody a dull Jackée. That said…

5. Don’t hide behind your conditioning. I was raised to mobilize others but it turns out I’m as good as the next guy at fixing things around the house, sorting out technology, and handling the money. I just had to shore up, and there’s probably some area of your life where you could do the same thing. That said…

6. It’s an explanation, not an excuse. Whenever someone uses their past to rationalize their present malfeasances, I check out. It is my core belief that if you can articulate the problem, you can roll up your sleeves and fix it. That said…

7. Apologize if you fuck up. It’s simple. Don’t say sorry if it’s not your fault. Do if it is. So much drama ensues in this world because people don’t adhere to this rule. That said…

8. Say please and thank you. Life is rough enough with a little cream in your coffee. If someone helps you, let them know you noticed. If you are asking someone to do something, let them know you’ll appreciate the effort. Above all, recognize others’ kindness and be kind as well. This courtesy is required even when you think you are owed. Entitlement is always ugly. That said…

9. If you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything. Nine times out of ten, no matter what you’ve been taught, expressing your raw feelings before they’ve been digested is a bad call. Whining hurts everyone’s ears, as does rudeness. If you really feel held hostage by your frustration, write it down and put it away for a day. Once you’ve cooled your jets you’ll know if that ire can be channeled productively. That said…

10. If you love someone, let them know. If they can’t handle it, that’s not your fault. If they can, you just turned on a light. This is true no matter what kind of bond you share. That said…

11. Treat people like friends, not family. It is my experience that declaring someone family means you believe your bond will survive even the worst behavior. Friendship is elective and therefore requires a higher level of care and consciousness in order to survive. Behave accordingly in all your relationships. That said…

12. Work alone. I know, I know: you expected me to say work well with others. And of course you should. But the tree falls in the woods no matter what; it’s impossible to share what you haven’t already created; people who can’t be by themselves are terrible company; and working together is very different from only coming alive when someone is by your side. Furthermore, don’t ask a question you can answer yourself and don’t ask for help if you can take care of a matter on your own. Bottom line: Codependence is crap. And fundamentally…

13. Clean up after yourself. This is true on every level of life. Do not expect others to clean up after you. Do not expect to clean up after others. And always clean up as you go.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy