Love for Sale (Craigslist Haikus)

Ever since I became Home-Rehab Harriet, I’ve been obsessed with Craigslist. Not the personals—that glimpse into modern mating rituals is beyond me—but the “for sale” category, which already has coughed up an armoire and French dresser that I’ve made lovely for a song. Every morning I read the listings, and  they never fail to fascinate me. The guy in Howard Beach selling a white polar bear rug for $35,000. The Upper East Side denizen charging $1,100 for her broken lamp. The Bay Ridge lady selling used soap, deodorant, and razors. Such an opportunity to practice compassion for humanity in all its spiky forms, this Craigslist.

The engagement rings in particular break my heart. I’d love to follow up on each ad but, having burned through at least eight lives, content myself with merely imagining the stories behind them. In haiku form, no less.

Enjoy this diamond/ My predilection for cads/ Is your happy gain

Take this ring from me/ Its owner has left this world/ I need no reminder

Jim and Joe got wed/Twas legal, government said/Now the sex is dead

He slept with the maid/ Our love was zirconium/ Only ring is real

I wanted square-cut/ Instead he bought a pear shape/ Too much like his hips

We are still in love/ But so broke, cold and hungry/ Need cash more than ring

If I’d said to him/ Serious offers only/ I’d not need this ad

Divorce is hairy/ My advice: do not marry/ Yes: cash and carry!

A ring is a ring/is a ring is a ring is/a ring. Is a ring.

The stone is flawless/ But her loyalty was not/ I took back the ring

Feel free to send more, if you are so inspired.

"All, everything I understand, I understand only because I love."
― Leo Tolstoy