This may be the most annoyingly astrological and celeb-obsessed post that this former Us Weekly staffer will ever write but I can’t help being amused that Jennifer Aniston finally got remarried during the always-blighted Venus Retrograde. One look at the smug mugs she and her new spouse are sporting here and you just know that the reprieve from the sadsack single girl public persona she cultivated for 10 years is bound to be short-lived. As my grandmother used to say, “Good luck to you and the Red Sox!” Add in the recently announced Gwen Stefani-Gavin Rossdale and Ben Affleck-Jennifer Garner divorces, not to mention the resurrection of the rumors that Will Smith and Jada Pinkett (Smith) are on the rocks, and, Ruth, you know it’s the truth: Lady Venus spares no star. I can’t pretend I don’t take solace in this fact as she guides me through the burnt embers formerly known as my love life.
It’s only Wednesday and already I consider this week a bust. Normally I would dismiss that attitude as the worst kind of negativity but there just have been so many hurt feelings and misunderstandings all around. I chalk it up to the shadow of Venus retrograde, which lasts three months, only takes place every few years, and governs unresolved mishegos in areas of relationships, money, and all things aesthetic. Expect old family conflicts to resurface, ex lovers to show up, long-simmering fights with partners to rear their ugly heads. Not to mention awkward haircuts, zits out of nowhere, and–o my–nothing in the closet. Goddess knows that’s all been true in my life lately.
Yesterday I found a favorite pair of earrings that had been long misplaced. I wore them all around town like a proud peacock and then promptly lost one on my walk from the gym to the L train. I combed 14th street three times in my search for it and, while doing so, ran into work colleagues. Naturally I was clad in sweaty spandex shorts, greasy pigtails, and a cut-up tee shirt announcing in neon yellow letters: I LOVE GERMAN GIRLS. I looked so professional I could cry. It goes without saying that the earring never turned up. On my way home I walked by some new graffiti that was so VR it made me smile though I felt for the artist’s angst. See above.
My advice, Sirenaders: take an extra deep breath before leaving the house and opening your trap, make no drastic changes to your appearance, home or relationships, and escape as soon as possible to the sea. Friday I’m heading to the relatively pristine waters of Long Beach, where I plan to smile a big oystery smile and offer a mermaid song of submission.La de da….